One hell of a ride
by Killuminator
Summary: Instead of Zaeed, Sheppard gets in contact with a legendary mercenary in a red suit. Collectors are the least of his problems now. Mass Effect 2 timeline obviously.
1. Recruited

**Author's note : I am not sure what the heck I am doing anyway. So I had this idea in my mind for a while now and I decided to make it, just like an one shot, perhaps more if people like it. **

**Also, please note that Deadpool will have less of the 4****th**** wall breaking thing here, since let's just say I want to focus on the story. Still, there will be pop culture references, can't have Deadpool without references. Also, most of the super hero folks are either dead or retired, just for the sake of the story.**

-Omega-

Sheppard walked through the wet hall way from the dock bay, if you can call the tiny, and leaking, hall way a dock bay. Water dripped on his N7 armor, and Grunt just grunted (yes a horrible pun I know), while Garrus shrugged it off, not complaining one bit that his face still hurt and the dirty water wasn't making it any better.

"Who are we looking for this time Sheppard ?" Garrus asked, his fingers, or talons, whatever, fumbling on his omni-tool.

"Better be someone strong." Grunt clasped his hands together excitedly.

"A merc named Zaeed. He used to work for Blue Suns. Timmy Boy had given me his file. Impressive, for a merc. But we are not recruiting him."

"Who are we recruiting then ?"

"Zaeed mailed me, saying he knew someone just for the right job. Not sure who though."

As they reached the entrance toward Omega, Sheppard saw a man in his late 40 in yellow armor manhandling a Batarian. Considering this is Omega, it wasn't that strange. But Sheppard read the file and knew this was the man they were looking for.

"Zaeed ?"

"Sheppard right ?" The man asked, not turning away from the Batarian one bit. "Be right back." Zaeed kneed the Batarian in the stomach and followed up by an uppercut, promptly knocking him out. "There, peace and quiet." He said before turning back to Sheppard.

"So the Illusive Man looked me up, saying you are recruiting people for a suicide mission, and contracted me for the trip."

"Pretty much so yes. But you aren't joining ?"

"Hell, I am a merc, I kill people, and I am damn good at what I do for a living, even if I said it myself. But a suicide mission through the Omega 4 relay ? You better call the expert."

"And who is he ?" Garrus asked. "Or she ?"

"It's a he. And he is the best, if you wanna pull off that shit, he may be the only one ever walk out alive."

"I am not sure if you are exaggerating or just too crazy." Sheppard lazily commented.

"Oh I may be crazy, but what he did, made me look sane." Zaeed smirked. "Does the name Deadpool ring any bell ?"

Both Sheppard and Grunt remained calm, but Garrus was pale, if that was even possible, and started to stammer.

"You mean, Deadpool, as in the Deadpool ?" Garrus asked. "You knew him ?"

"The one and only. And if I knew him. Guy is a legend among the mercs. Anyone who had taken the steps into the world of mercenary know the name Deadpool."

"Care to explain Garrus ?" Sheppard asked.

"Sheppard, during my time in Omega, there was talk about one man clad in red who went by the name Deadpool." Garrus took his time to swallow. "He worked as a private contractor, and only took the most impossible jobs. Every time he came back alive to collect the creds."

"So ?" Sheppard wasn't impressed. A merc who had the success rate of 100%, that was rare, but it wasn't much. Zaeed for exemple, who could probably do the same.

"Now here I gotta interrupt you." Zaeed said. "I went with him on a few mission, just for the fun of it. Once he was swallowed by a Threser Maw. You know what he did ? Detonate 3 packs of explosive from the inside, and cut his way out with his sword."

"A good warrior." Grunt nodded. "I'd like to fight him."

"But that wasn't what made him stand out." Zaeed said. "I believe Archangel here knew one story."

"Yes I remember." Garrus sighed. "That day I was patrolling, and Zaeed was down at the slumps with Deadpool, I believe. An explosion occurred, and I was able to take out the arsonist. Deadpool and Zaeed took the attack, but Deadpool took the most of it."

"Guy pushed me away. Lost half my face and my right eye, but still better than burn to death." Zaeed told them.

"What about Deadpool ?" Sheppard asked.

"Here is the interesting part. He walked out, well more like limping out. One leg was blown off and half his face was gone and he was still laughing like crazy. Apparently his regeneration rate was shit load higher than a Krogan, he can regenerate lost body parts and he claimed to be immortal. After that shit, well I gotta believe he is."

Sheppard took a full minute to register what he had just heard. Either Garrus and Zaeed had both inhaled too much red sand on that explosion, or that was the very truth. Grunt was fidgeting with his hands, and was quite nervous, despite not wanting to show it.

"And then there was this one time, we were hired to storm an Eclipse base. He took 25 clips worth of bullets into his body, both his arms torn to shreds and he was armed with just a knife I help him put on his mouth before storming the base. Three hours later he walked out with the target's head in his mouth."

"Anything about him I should know ? Despite being immortal and all that ?"

"Guy is batshit insane, and I don't mean the good kind. He is a simple man, easy to motivate. The only three things you need to tell him is that there are money, violence and hot chicks, that's all you need for him to join you." Zaeed said. "And no matter what he appeared to do, he'll stick to the contract until it's done, unless you screw him over first, then you better watch out."

"When do we meet him ?" Sheppard asked. Zaeed took a look at his omni-tool before he answered.

"5 minutes, at Aria." Zaeed hoisted the unconscious Batarian over his shoulder. "Let's move."

-Aria's Bar-

Garrus and Grunt sat at the bar to drink and waited until Sheppard returned. In the meantime, Zaeed dropped off the Batarian in a very unceremonious way at the Mercenary post and walked to the waiting Sheppard.

"I'd transferred him the file and the money, he's all yours now. One last warning, you cannot control him, so don't try to even think about it. The last one who tried to do it, well, she's fucked."

"I'll keep that in mind." Sheppard nodded. "You sure you don't want to tag along ?"

"I still have unfinished business. Perhaps after I am done with this and you still need me, I'll reconsider. Now go, he is waiting at Aria's place."

"Hope to see you later Zaeed." Sheppard nodded before walking away.

There at the VIP room where Aria usually sits, there was a man. He was cladded in a red suit with two black stripes running on the side, a red mask on his face with two black blotches with two white dots in the middle where his eyes were supposed to be. Next to him there was a disheveled Aria who was trying her best to fix her clothes, which were a bit torn and tried her best to hide the blush on her face, but so far, she was failing.

"Heh, when Zaeed said the one who tried to control Deadpool was fucked, I never thought he meant it literally." Sheppard smirked. Aria shot him a dirty look before jerking her head, motioning him to sit down.

"If you aren't trying to save the universe or whatever crap you are selling you'd be dead." Aria said.

"Relax Ari." Deadpool said while stroking her tentacles, hair, what is it anyway ? "So when do we go ?"

"Don't you have a few question to ask to something ?" Sheppard asked.

"I am a merc, I read the mission, I got the creds, I do the job. No questions needed. Well, maybe some. Do you have any booze aboard ? And the food ?"

"Well, we have a bar. And a private chef. Is that all ?"

"I am a simple man Johnny. Well then, I am in."

"Welcome aboard mister Deadpool." Sheppard shook the hand, only for it to fall off.

"My bad, it wasn't fully healed yet." Deadpool said before picking it up and put it on his stump. "Anyone got some duct tape ?"

Sheppard rubbed his temple. He felt a headache coming up. Sheppard knew for sure he'd have troubles coming his ways.

**Author's note : Well, sorry to end it here, but I wanna see how people welcome this story before going any further. If you like it, please reviews.**


	2. Deck 4

**Author's note : So far people loved it, just because Deadpool is in there. Gotta say, it took you guys long enough to figure where to put Deadpool in. Just saying, through my experience I have enough ideas where I should put Deadpool in, and nowhere in the Fan Fiction world had something I wanted.**

**Anyway, here is chapter 2. BTW, who want a cross fic of Deadpool x Harley Quinn ?**

-Aboard the Normandy-

It took Deadpool far too long to his liking to be inside the decontamination chamber of the ship, which added with his attention span which was comparable to a goldfish, made him very tempted to pull out his doorknobs and started to fire the room he was in all the way to Oblivion.

Just before he could put the rounds in his pistol the blue orb beeped on his side and the image of EDI flared to existence.

"Please mister Deadpool, refrain yourself from causing damage to the ship."

"So you are ?"

"I am EDI, the AI aboard the Normandy. Please wait until the process is complete." EDI replied.

After an eternity of waiting, which was actually 2 minutes, the door opened with a swoosh and Deadpool walked through the door.

"Well, I wanted to make entrance by blowing the door off, that's how I roll, but oh well." Deadpool sighed, before noticing every crew member present staring at him like he was an unknown life form on board. "Sup guys ?" Deadpool grinned.

The first one that came out to greet him, unsurprisingly, was a young red haired woman that reminds him of a pup.

"Hi, you must be the new recruit Shepard took in. Zaeed right ?" She extended her hands to him, and before he could reply, she continued to rant. "Well welcome aboard mister Zaeed, I am Yeoman Chambers and this here is EDI." She gestured to the blue orb on her right. "Well then, let's give you a tour…"

Her voice stopped the moment Deadpool used his fingers to clamp her lips shut. The red looked at him with anger and embarrassment but before she could act Shepard made his entrance with save the both of them some headache. Well, Chambers mostly, Deadpool could just be amused.

"Well then, welcome aboard mister Deadpool. Or would you prefer to be call something else ?" Shepard asked.

"When the mask is on, it's Deadpool."

"Well then, EDI, which room is available ?"

"The cargo hold on engineering deck is currently empty. Would you like to use that ?" EDI said in monotone.

"Sure." Deadpool nodded. "By the way, where is that bar ?"

"Crew quarter, at the Port Observation. Take your time to get to know the crew." Shepard said. "Now if you don't mind, Timmy called."

Deadpool looked around and decided to go to his little room first. The elevator, he dreaded that thing. He could simply blow off the top and climb down using the cable and it would be faster.

"EDI, who is the moron that designed this elevator ?" Deadpool asked.

"The Normandy SR-2 is designed after the original Normandy, which was built by the Alliance." EDI promptly appeared and replied.

"Figure, threw in a bunch of cash to the Alliance and they built a bar with private cook, but a faster elevator, no that would be a waste of money they said." Deadpool said with a mimic which was a dead ringer for Udina. The elevator finally arrived at the 4th deck and the door opened. "Yeah well, nice talking to you Blue."

"Blue ?" EDI asked.

"You are blue so I am calling you blue. Think of it as a nickname."

"I will store it in my memory."

Deadpool continued down to his room, singing the theme song of Golden Girl all the way.

-Cargo Hold-

The room was bland, and there wasn't much. There wasn't even a bed, merely a soft mattress on a corner and boxes of various content scatter around the room. On the back room there was a trash capacitor with trash litter around. All of this brought back a smile on Deadpool's face as it reminded him of his apartment back in New York.

"Home sweet home." Deadpool yelled out loud. "Lucy I am home." before throwing his weapons in a heap on a corner. "I missed my yellow boxes." Deadpool started to pull out some crayons from his pouches (definitely Rob Liefield work around here) and started to color yellow text boxes which he was making his own conversations with himself. He got bored after a while and decided to visit the rest of the crew.

"Hey Blue, any recruits on this floor ?" He asked out loud. When EDI formed popped up from a nearby panel he cheered. "You responded to my nickname."

"Yes mister Deadpool. Opposite to your room is the Grunt's room, the Port Cargo Area. On the right is the Ship's core, where Tali'Zorah vas Normandy is working, with two crew mates Kenneth Donnelly and Gabriella Daniels. Under the staircase is Jack."

"Okay, mingling time. Talk to ya later." Deadpool waved before walking out of the room. He decided to visit Jack first.

-Below the deck-

Jack, who heard footsteps that did not belong to Shepard, tensed and readied her biotics in her hands. And when she saw that shit eating grin on Deadpool's mask Jack let out a shockwave washing over him.

Deadpool stood there, unfazed, and let the shockwave run through him and dissipated on the wall behind him.

"Good shockwave, but I got enough eezo filled rounds riddled on my body to be fazed by this much anymore. But anyway, hello there."

"Who the fuck are you ?" Jack growled, not letting her biotics fade.

"Deadpool."

"No shit ?" Jack asked. Even she was a convict she knew his name. he was famous, or infamous, depends on who is talking.

"Wanna try ?" Deadpool asked. "Anyway, nice to see you developing well, bald kid. Or should I say, Subject Zero ?"

Jack flinched at the name. The number one merc in the galaxy knew her codename, which to her only meant one thing. Someone wanted her dead, and hired the best to make sure of it. Deadpool noticed ther nervousness, and when his intelligence wasn't that high he knew what caused it, and laughed.

"Don't worry Baldy. If I want you dead you would be dead already." Deadpool said as he went forward and rub her head. And surprisingly Jack let him do it. Well, she could kick him in the nuts but she wouldn't want an immortal pissed off at her. Even she is not crazy enough to do that.

"Good luck tracking down Cerberus." Deadpool said before walking to the stairs.

"Wait, how did you know ?" Jack asked.

"I've been 'round for a long time." Deadpool winked.

-Engine's Core-

After a stair case and a two doors later Deadpool arrived at the ship's engine. From the look of not surprise on the crew mates' faces he asked.

"So I guess Blue informed you already ?"

"Blue ?" Kenneth asked.

"Yes I have inform them that you were coming to visit, mister Deadpool." EDI formed popped up again.

"You gave EDI a nickname ?" Tali asked as she moved closer, her curiosity at work as she looked him up from head to toes.

"Why not ?" A virtual light bulb went off above his head. "Quarians, AI haters, right."

"We don't hate AI in general, just the Geth." Tali said, as if she was afraid EDI would be upset. "So I don't hate you EDI."

"Thank you Miss Zorah." EDI nodded.

"So how are you guys doing ?" Deadpool asked.

"Pretty good." Gabriella said. "We finished calibrating the consoles sometimes ago, and the new upgrade made us work easier. So wanna come here tonight for a poker game ?"

"Meet me at the bar on deck three then." Deadpool said before walking to a busy Tali who indulged herself in a console.

"You know, you look almost like a Turian with a calibrating obsession I know." Deadpool commented.

"You know Garrus ?" Tali asked.

"Saw him a few times on Omega, lurking around the deck and windows. Dude is like a stalker, just pop out of nowhere."

"Yeah that's sound like him alright." Tali said with a stifled laugh. "Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, nice to meet you." She extended her hand. Deadpool took it and shake it as gently as he could, afraid that her delicate fingers would snap.

"Well, I'll let you back to work, I am going to visit Grunt."

"I'll talk to you later then."

-Port Cargo Area-

"Yo G wassup ?" Deadpool greeted Grunt, downtown Detroit style.

"What do you want Deadpool ?" Grunt said. On one hand, he could respect the man, being a formidable warrior. On the other hand, the man was acting like a fool unfit of his status. To add the fact his regeneration factor was higher than a krogan made him nervous. Grunt was supposed to be the ultimate krogan, and yet he stood powerless in front of a human if it came to survival. There was this one phrase from the human Grunt could respect, which was Survival of the Fittest. So far he believed it was the krogan race. Now, he wasn't so sure.

"Just come to say hi, and wanna go to the bar tonight ?" He asked. "I snagged some good Ryncol from Omega."

The krogan's eyes lit up at the mention of booze and let out a bellowed laugh.

"I'll see you there." Grunt nodded.

"Later G." Deadpool said before moonwalking out the door.

**Author's note : So mingling at deck 4 is done. Next chapter is make friends with the folks of deck three and spoiler spoiler, ultimate drinking contest between Grunt and Deadpool. I am planning to let Deadpool drink some Ryncol, see how it goes. **

**BTW, Who would you like to be paired with Deadpool ? I might have Jack and Deadpool some sort of brother sister relation here. And maybe next chapter there will be a mission.**

**Last thing is that in this story most of the recruits are in the ship, only Kasumi left. That one might be fun to write. Reviews people reviews.**


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